Ok so there’s this movie called “wetlands”

Based on a “novel” by an mtv europe vj from Germany.  Ive heard its this incredibly empowering piece of feminist literature…and Ive also heard its basically the “Scrotty Mcboogerballs” book imagined by elementary school age boys as a basic listing of the most repulsive things they can name.

Its an hour an 49 minutes so here’s my white privileged patriarchal play by play of..wetlands.

Whoops had to pause 53 seconds in.  The subtitles “this book shouldnt be read or adapted to film”  actually appear  in the opening credits.  “Its nothing more than a mirror of our sad society”  ok but what society? And the last words of the opening credits were “we need God”.

Opening scene, girl riding skateboard complaining about hemmroids…hahaha wait holy shit there’s no way im gonna be able to keep up with this movie.  The subtitles are worth gold. Someday i want to go to germany and ask how to say “my mother told me a pussy gets sick way easier than a penis does.” 

“So i turned myself into a living pussy-hygiene experiment”  the movie is paused im yelling no dont do it man its still good.  She does it.  “The filthier the better ” 

Her vaginal flora is better from rubbing it on toilet seats.  Tackle that one bill Nye. 

Ok the Germans are still fucked up.
Yep she shaves an anal fissure. And I after stepping outside for a cigarette came back inside and resumed the movie.  The following is the German translation:

“My ass injury developed a brimming blister, which…is hanging out of my butthole like the inflated neck skin of those tropical birds, the ones that blow it up to find a mate.”

Everything ive typed took place within 22 minutes of this movie.


Kelly Clarkson covers Rihanna’s “bitch better have my money”

Its on youtube.  Ive got it paused.  Im looking at the 19 second mark and if you can pause this at that exact point you will witness what it feels like to teeter on the event horizon of a black hole.  The setup of the room is, going from left to right:  an irish keyboardist(he’s irish cause of the tam o shanter), two lovely ladies who are not fans of this cover (and where I’d continue to watch their reaction), Kelly clarkson who is staring at the ground, and should probably at this point have turned down the paycheck, and finally guitar dude who is probably wishing he were deaf.

Video review. A malcolm X interview

Again this is a YouTube video that is readily available to anyone.

The scene is malcolm x and two white men with placards in front of them.  The first question is directed by an elderly white man with “o’connor” as his placard who asks “what is your name? Is that your legal name, have you been to court to establish your name?”  Malcolm explains the problem of names, the camera pans over and o’connor is asleep and asks “would you mind telling me what your fathers last name was.”  At this point i have to keep going back to make sure i didnt miss anything but no he actually asked the question.  So moving on.  Jesus whats the deal with names?

Video review “bad blood”

Scrolling through youtube and stumbled upon this after birth of a music video.  Anyway its taylor swift and Kendrick Lamar whoever that is.  Ok no music so far which is cool.  Some dude gets slammed on a desk, then john mayers angry ex comes in doing some dumb flip shit and puts lipstick on.  Now there’s another angry woman but she’s black and named “arsyn”? So now they’re flipping around and kicking dudes that im pretty sure are supposed to be Asian because they have masks but only over their eyes. Ok so maybe the other chick isnt black, is it selena Gomez?  Whoever it is just kicked snow white out of the window and she landed in a car.  Now there’s singing again and its truly awful…no …no now there’s a rap over and there’s a mannequin smoking a cigar with the words “lucky fiori” next to it.  Now will smiths son is rapping while Jake Gyllenhaals ex is mo staring menacingly and sword fighting? Haha wtf?  There’s an asian chick with a fur coat on with the words “frostbyte” next to her.  Now the stealer of beyonces thunder is in a boxing ring fighting with another model, and the music is basically “now we got baaad blood…now we got praaahhhblems”.  Im not kidding.  Thats half the song. And of course it ends in splosions and girl power. 

The feminist brownshirts

Yes they exist.  Apparently there are women out there who’s lives are so exciting that they can take time from estimating who’s womb will go dry first to stalking someone who posts on a blog while mostly intoxicated.