Ok so there’s this movie called “wetlands”

Based on a “novel” by an mtv europe vj from Germany.  Ive heard its this incredibly empowering piece of feminist literature…and Ive also heard its basically the “Scrotty Mcboogerballs” book imagined by elementary school age boys as a basic listing of the most repulsive things they can name.

Its an hour an 49 minutes so here’s my white privileged patriarchal play by play of..wetlands.

Whoops had to pause 53 seconds in.  The subtitles “this book shouldnt be read or adapted to film”  actually appear  in the opening credits.  “Its nothing more than a mirror of our sad society”  ok but what society? And the last words of the opening credits were “we need God”.

Opening scene, girl riding skateboard complaining about hemmroids…hahaha wait holy shit there’s no way im gonna be able to keep up with this movie.  The subtitles are worth gold. Someday i want to go to germany and ask how to say “my mother told me a pussy gets sick way easier than a penis does.” 

“So i turned myself into a living pussy-hygiene experiment”  the movie is paused im yelling no dont do it man its still good.  She does it.  “The filthier the better ” 

Her vaginal flora is better from rubbing it on toilet seats.  Tackle that one bill Nye. 

Ok the Germans are still fucked up.
Yep she shaves an anal fissure. And I after stepping outside for a cigarette came back inside and resumed the movie.  The following is the German translation:

“My ass injury developed a brimming blister, which…is hanging out of my butthole like the inflated neck skin of those tropical birds, the ones that blow it up to find a mate.”

Everything ive typed took place within 22 minutes of this movie.

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